Every year, hundreds of men and women enter one of the most turbulent periods of their lives: Family breakdown. Sometimes the process is conducted with mutual respect, but often within the economic and legal tension, a particularly difficult phenomenon develops: Parental alienation.
This is a situation in which one parent uses the child as a tool in the struggle against the other parent, to the point of harming the relationship and sometimes almost completely erasing one of the parents from the child’s life.
Many tend to think that parental alienation is expressed in a sharp and clear refusal of contact, but in practice it is a much more gradual and quiet process that begins with small signs that are easy to miss.
Emotional ghosting and gradual distancing
One of the first signs is a change in communication patterns: The child who was in regular contact stops answering messages, screens calls, or responds inconsistently.
Alongside this, recurring excuses appear for avoiding meetings, such as study load, fatigue, or plans with friends.
What to do?
It is important to avoid an extreme emotional reaction: Do not apply excessive pressure, but also do not give up. Maintain consistency and send short and positive messages that clarify that the connection remains open and that love is not dependent on a response.
When the child starts speaking in a language that is not theirs
Another particularly troubling sign is a change in language: The child begins to use legal or adult terms that do not match their age.
Instead of talking about feelings, they quote logical arguments or repeat messages that sound like they come from a conversation between adults.
What to do?
Do not be drawn into a legal argument: Bring the conversation back to a safe place for the child and clarify that these are adult matters that are not their responsibility.
The contagion effect between siblings
When there is more than one child, the phenomenon sometimes expands: One child who shows distance may also influence the siblings, who adopt similar behavior.
The reason can be group pressure or an attempt to align with the expectations of the other parent.
What to do?
It is important to create separate quality time with each child one on one: This allows each child to express their personal and unique connection without external influences.
Sudden behavioral changes
Sometimes the child behaves warmly and calmly, and then all at once changes approach and becomes distant and cold. The change can appear especially during a conversation with the other parent or during transition moments between the homes
What to do?
Do not confront the child about the change: Maintain emotional stability and a calm tone. Creating a fixed routine can help the child feel safe and lower defenses.
Everything is black or white
In a healthy relationship, a child is able to love and also be angry. In parental alienation, a situation is created of extreme division: One parent is perceived as perfect and the other as completely bad.
Sometimes the child even emphasizes that this is entirely their own independent decision.
What to do?
Avoid disparaging the other parent and try to gently remind of positive shared moments: The goal is not to prove but to preserve the possibility of a complex and healthy relationship.
<br>Why it is important to act early
Parental alienation is a process that may deepen over time and cause long term emotional harm to the child.
Early identification of the signs allows parents to respond thoughtfully and prevent deterioration.
The central message is not to wait for complete disconnection but to be alert to small changes in behavior, communication, and language.
Parental alienation does not occur in a moment but develops gradually through quiet signs. The parent’s response in real time can significantly affect the continuation of the relationship and the child’s sense of security. The ability to maintain emotional stability, avoid escalation, and act consistently is a central tool in coping.
Ultimately, it is about the child’s basic right to maintain a safe and loving relationship with both parents.
Anat Tabachnik, founder of Anat’s Club, a body for managing separation and divorce crises, which accompanies men and women in building a life during and after divorce